I wrote awhile ago about adoption talk and taking advantage of those special moments and wanted to add a couple of things especially after my last private post.
The window of opportunity is too short to not make adoption talk the norm and as adoptive parents, I strongly believe, we owe this to our children. Adoption is the norm in our family and I love how Angelica can tell me her story in HER words, I love her way. It gives me an opportunity to correct her if needed (not her feelings but the facts) and to understand how she views her adoption. It’s so norm that she asks everyone “where were you born?” And she likes to share that “mommy has bad eggs”. God, I love this kid. I’ve laid it all out there for her and boy does she run with it. I can tell however that they dynamics of her first family is too abstract and she hasn’t digested much of it due to her age.
Because my last post was password protected and the wonderful Possum posted a comment about keeping the lines of communication open, here is part of her comment that deserves to be read by everyone (I hope she doesn’t mine 
.)
If things aren’t talked about often - the adoptee will too often just shut up - because they’ll think that’s a no-go topic area.
(I know way too many adoptees for this to be an anomaly)
An adoptee has two families - and in your case - two cultures - two countries - it’s just how it is for an adoptee.
Talking more makes things more normal - than keeping things behind a veil of mystery.
You don’t have to give the kids all the facts - especially if you don’t know them all yourself (you should never make stuff up - especially if you haven’t heard the words straight from the first mother’s mouth) - but you can ponder over the questions with your child - and say ‘I hope we get to find some answers to those questions down the track - maybe we will - maybe we won’t - but I’m here to help you all the way - as I’m not going anywhere - I will always be there for you’.
I don’t ever want the door to shut on adoption talk. I want Angelica to feel comfortable at any time in her life to come to me with questions, concerns and not worry that she may be crossing the line or worry that she may hurt me. After all, It’s not about me (as Poss so eloquently told me in another comment.) Her feelings are her feelings. I cannot sway her one way or the other, change the way she feels or assume she will feel one way or another. I can relay the facts as I know them. Here is another of Poss’s comments from a private post about just that.
Keep emotions and personal feelings out of it as much as you can - just try and stick to the facts - adoptees often feel their a-parents feelings about their first mother - even without words - so try not to put that personal emotion into it - if you know what I mean. Sure - sadness and grief are fine - but no put-downs on her first family - as she’ll already have her own thoughts and feelings on that.
I can remember reading about a mother who had concerns about talking to her 4 year old daughter about her adoption. I have concerns also so I am not slamming her for that and it is quite evident she loves her daughter. BUT…she had never brought up the fact, to her daughter, that she was NOT born from her tummy. She asked for advice and wanted opinions, etc. etc. on how to bring this up to her daughter and said her daughter was “extra sensitive.” So being the loud mouth, opinionated person that I am, I (very politely) gave her directions to some good reads, blogs, etc. of adoptees and first moms and was BLASTED by some of her bloggen’ buddies. Not pretty. I bit my tongue and moved on. That was the first and last time I will ever comment on her blog but I felt it needed to be done since her blog is much to do with displaying a ‘picture perfect’ family with her daughter as the ‘poster child’ for adoption, the pretty flowers, fabulous vacations and well…..BLAH!
I guess that is why I stay away from blogs that don’t keep it real. It’s hard for me to keep my mouth shut.
Okay, now I am going to take some time to breath and maybe do a couple of fun posts and catch up on pictures and non-adoption related news for a change. I’m a flip-flopper in case you haven’t noticed. :0)
