I wrote awhile ago about adoption talk and taking advantage of those special moments and wanted to add a couple of things especially after my last private post.
The window of opportunity is too short to not make adoption talk the norm and as adoptive parents, I strongly believe, we owe this to our children. Adoption is the norm in our family and I love how Angelica can tell me her story in HER words, I love her way. It gives me an opportunity to correct her if needed (not her feelings but the facts) and to understand how she views her adoption. It’s so norm that she asks everyone “where were you born?” And she likes to share that “mommy has bad eggs”. God, I love this kid. I’ve laid it all out there for her and boy does she run with it. I can tell however that they dynamics of her first family is too abstract and she hasn’t digested much of it due to her age.
Because my last post was password protected and the wonderful Possum posted a comment about keeping the lines of communication open, here is part of her comment that deserves to be read by everyone (I hope she doesn’t mine 
.)
If things aren’t talked about often - the adoptee will too often just shut up - because they’ll think that’s a no-go topic area.
(I know way too many adoptees for this to be an anomaly)
An adoptee has two families - and in your case - two cultures - two countries - it’s just how it is for an adoptee.
Talking more makes things more normal - than keeping things behind a veil of mystery.
You don’t have to give the kids all the facts - especially if you don’t know them all yourself (you should never make stuff up - especially if you haven’t heard the words straight from the first mother’s mouth) - but you can ponder over the questions with your child - and say ‘I hope we get to find some answers to those questions down the track - maybe we will - maybe we won’t - but I’m here to help you all the way - as I’m not going anywhere - I will always be there for you’.
I don’t ever want the door to shut on adoption talk. I want Angelica to feel comfortable at any time in her life to come to me with questions, concerns and not worry that she may be crossing the line or worry that she may hurt me. After all, It’s not about me (as Poss so eloquently told me in another comment.) Her feelings are her feelings. I cannot sway her one way or the other, change the way she feels or assume she will feel one way or another. I can relay the facts as I know them. Here is another of Poss’s comments from a private post about just that.
Keep emotions and personal feelings out of it as much as you can - just try and stick to the facts - adoptees often feel their a-parents feelings about their first mother - even without words - so try not to put that personal emotion into it - if you know what I mean. Sure - sadness and grief are fine - but no put-downs on her first family - as she’ll already have her own thoughts and feelings on that.
I can remember reading about a mother who had concerns about talking to her 4 year old daughter about her adoption. I have concerns also so I am not slamming her for that and it is quite evident she loves her daughter. BUT…she had never brought up the fact, to her daughter, that she was NOT born from her tummy. She asked for advice and wanted opinions, etc. etc. on how to bring this up to her daughter and said her daughter was “extra sensitive.” So being the loud mouth, opinionated person that I am, I (very politely) gave her directions to some good reads, blogs, etc. of adoptees and first moms and was BLASTED by some of her bloggen’ buddies. Not pretty. I bit my tongue and moved on. That was the first and last time I will ever comment on her blog but I felt it needed to be done since her blog is much to do with displaying a ‘picture perfect’ family with her daughter as the ‘poster child’ for adoption, the pretty flowers, fabulous vacations and well…..BLAH!
I guess that is why I stay away from blogs that don’t keep it real. It’s hard for me to keep my mouth shut.
Okay, now I am going to take some time to breath and maybe do a couple of fun posts and catch up on pictures and non-adoption related news for a change. I’m a flip-flopper in case you haven’t noticed. :0)
Possum said,
June 19, 2008 @ 1:42 pm
I’m glad you don’t keep your mouth shut!!
And I’m just really glad that you didn’t take my comments the wrong way.
(see - always the people pleaser!! LOL)
But you really get this stuff - and that is awesome.
Sadly - there are many that just don’t - and they don’t seem to want to.
Your children will be far more together than I ever was - at a young age.
Now - go breathe - and have some fun!!
Biggest hugz from way down here,
Poss. xxx
Laura said,
June 19, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
Jena, I’m so glad you’re talking about this. It is SO important. I already talk to Mattix in very general terms about being born to his mom in Vietnam. Obviously, he probably has no idea what I’m talking about (he’s 16 months old, for goodness sake!), but I want him to always be able to talk about anything withOUT feeling restricted or afraid of saying what he feels. (While at the same time not assuming what he’s going to feel.) Your openness with Angelica is an inspiration to me and I hope one day that Mattix will be in Angelica’s position, able to tell his story openly and comfortably. I look to you as an example. You’re a good mom and a smart woman.
BTW, I know what blog you’re referring to and I think it’s good you opened your mouth, even if it wasn’t super well received.
Gina said,
June 19, 2008 @ 6:21 pm
I’m also glad you’re talking about this. When my boys come home from VN, they’ll already be at an age where questions and feelings about their adoptions will be present. I don’t know what they’ll ask or how they’ll feel, but I want to be able to talk honestly and let them feel whatever it is they feel. There is so much wisdom in Possum’s reminder that ‘this is not about me’ and I hope I’ll be able to keep myself out of the way so I can be the parent my boys need since they can’t be with their mom. These are such important topics and they deserve careful thought, so I think it’s great and necessary that you flip-flop between the heavy stuff and the fun stuff!
Kelli K said,
June 20, 2008 @ 12:34 am
Thanks for posting this- it is something I often think about. You have set a great example of how to deal with these topics. What a great mom you are!
Laura said,
June 20, 2008 @ 2:28 am
BTW, I typed “Jena” instead of Michelle. Why? I have no idea. I think b/c I had just visited Jena’s blog before yours. I realized it as soon as I hit submit and then forgot to correct myself in a new comment. Then it occured to me tonight. Why? Again, no idea! I need more sleep, I think. Sorry - so rude!
Laurie said,
June 20, 2008 @ 3:21 pm
And THAT is why you’re my kinda person Michelle - I love that you don’t keep your mouth shut! Keep on keeping it real, we’re all learning from you! And Possum, thank you for your insights. I’m learning from them as well.
cathleen said,
June 20, 2008 @ 6:19 pm
You are doing the right thing by being honest and real! Keep it up. From a grown adoptee who wishes her parents had been like you.
Carissa said,
June 22, 2008 @ 7:23 pm
Amen - I love this post, I love that you are doing your best to keep the lines of communication open and I love that you keep sharing with us! Thank you very very much! And please keep on keeping it real! I look up to those of you who do on your blogs to help me keep it real on mine!
CJsDaddy said,
June 23, 2008 @ 2:04 am
Oh yah, did I need to read this tonight. Even some folks I love and respect don’t quite “get it” like you. In recent weeks I read posts from people who actually would sit on their hands if they discovered their children had been kidnapped form their families. Then they proceeded to rip me and a few others when we suggested the only ethical choice would be to go to Guatemala and try to right the wrong.
Anyway - great post - it’s good to hear your perspective.
Erica said,
July 10, 2008 @ 1:51 am
Michelle, I would love to read some of your pwp posts because I think you are discussing some of the very same issues I have been thinking about lately. If you want to share, I’d love to follow the thread!